‘I’m in love with Supergirl’ (PART 2)

How to choose the right supergirl

A note to Super Girls!

To fully understand this post, you need to read part one. Just in case you haven’t seen it yet, click here. That said, I’m not going to tell you that you should marry just any supergirl because you’re secure in yourself and don’t need a woman’s respect to define you. I think that compatibility is key, and that’s why one of the things we’d be discussing in this part is ‘how to choose the right supergirl.’

 

Choosing the right supergirl

When you pick the right Supergirl, you’re not settling for less. If you both get it right, there’s a smile that would never leave your face because you know that you did right by investing in God’s gift to you.

 

 A heart for Christ

 

The first thing you must consider when choosing supergirl is her heart for Christ. A relationship with Jesus changes people, regardless of their temperament. Your girl has got to understand that although there is nothing wrong with being driven in the area of business or leadership, the purpose of her life is Christ. He died for us so that we can live for him. She must get that none of those things define her-Christ does. Jesus must attract her utmost loyalty.

 

 

Her take on marriage

 

Another thing you must not compromise on is her take on marriage. God is the author of marriage and his instruction is that a wife submits to her husband. The real supergirls get this; they understand that it is a true show of strength when you let the man be the leader in marriage. Especially for a woman who has known otherwise all her life, she may not always be perfect in this area, but dear brother, you must see the right mind set, effort and the willingness to take corrections before going further.

 

 

A heart for you

 

You must also choose someone that supports you. Marrying supergirl is not a sentence to being mediocre for the rest of your life. She must also be there for you the same way you’re there for her. The things that are important to you must also be important to her.

 

 

Your Assignment

This is a tricky situation. Some couples both have very busy, vastly different careers, but still find a way to build a successful marriage. However, this requires a lot of compromise on both parts. I’ll give a few examples to buttress my point.

 

Say for example your girl’s life assignment is to be a missionary in a faraway country, and you desire to be the President of Nigeria within the next fifteen years. There seems to be a huge disconnect already. I’m not saying it won’t work, but it seems extremely unlikely. Let’s say for example that you have a call into full time ministry, and your girl wants to be the CEO of a bank in five years. Yet you both want to have kids and build a family. Something has got to give if you’re going to build a successful home.

 

Especially when ministry is involved, this is something you both must iron out before marriage. I sincerely think that any man or woman who marries a spouse who has a call to full time ministry should be prepared to be as flexible as possible with their future.

 

 

Character compatibility

We need to talk about this. I think it is always better if people who have strong personalities marry people with calmer personalities. If you’re a Type A who would always want to have your way, and your girl is also a Type who won’t listen, there’s going to be a problem. Of course being spirit-led makes this easier even you both have strong personalities, but a great deal of thought must precede such relationships.

 

Handle it, or walk away

I have said it time and time again. Courtship is the time is love intelligently, marriage is the time to love blindly. I love to root for supergirls, because I know what it means to have a mind of your own and have a man who supports you. However, you know yourself more than anyone else. You know what you can handle and what you can’t stand. Whether you’re a guy or girl, marriage is a choice. And until you both have said ‘I do,’ it’s not done. Weigh the situation very well. Would you be happy with this person? Would you rather argue and make up with this person for the rest of your life than be with someone else? Can you have a healthy relationship with her for the rest of your life if nothing changes? No one is going to judge you if you walk away from a dating relationship if you don’t see a future. So eventually, it comes to your choice.

 

 

 

 

A note to Supergirl

Dear Supergirl, I want to talk to you about the first serious argument I had with the love of my life. It was a few months after we had been dating. Neither of us had a car then, so we took public transportation everywhere. This time, we were climbing an overhead bridge on our way back from a training and I stopped to give a beggar money. I asked my new boyfriend if he had any change. His response was no and so I proceeded to check for change in my bag. But he was like: “Let’s go please.” I insisted that I was going to give the beggar change before leaving. And I did just that. After all, when you’re dating someone who started a charity at seventeen, you should know that there should be no arguments giving to the poor. Lol. But there was a big argument, and it lasted a while. I didn’t get it. My position was: This man was (and is) one of the most generous men I know, why would he object to that? His position was: “Why didn’t she listen to me first instead of insisting on having her way.”

 

We settled that eventually. The same way we’ve learned to settle subsequent arguments peculiar to relationships where one party is a self-acclaimed Supergirl. I’ve changed some, and the hubby has changed as well. Having God as the chief cornerstone of our lives as individuals, making his word about marriage the standard for our home and a commitment on both sides to making the relationship work have been instrumental for us. These are some of the things I want to share with you here:

 

  1. Christ defines you

It isn’t marriage or the fulfilment of your dreams that defines you. It’s Christ. The knowledge of this helps you realize that you don’t have to give up on his call on your life for the sake of a relationship. If he has laid something in your heart, he is going to send someone your way who will let you be all he has called you to be.

 

This also means that you don’t have to struggle to be the head of your relationship just to prove your self-worth. When we understand that our worth comes from Christ, we realise very quickly that ours isn’t a battle for gender supremacy, but Christ-centredness. When the eyes of all-male and female are pointed at him, we can see others the way they are-as people that Christ died for.

 

  1. Submission isn’t weakness

Dear sister, the bible’s instruction is that a wife submits to her husband like Christ to the church, and that the husband loves his wife like Christ loved the church. Of course, there should be a level of love and respect on both sides, but I don’t think women should feel short-changed when submission is emphasized.

 

In the relationship between Jesus and the church, Jesus was the one who died for the church. That’s what husbands should emulate. The church is the party who received justification by grace. That’s what wives should emulate. So they are both tough calls; but we can see who died for who in this scenario.

 

 

Submission does not mean you’re less of a person, the same way not being President of Nigeria doesn’t make me any less a Nigerian. It means that you’re strong enough to let someone else lead.

 

 

  1. Don’t settle for less

Dear sister, I’m not asking you to be picky with a list that no one can match up to. But please, don’t feel like you have to settle for just anyone who wants to marry you. Focus on being all that God has called you to be. If you desire to be married, build yourself now and grow in the areas that would make you a good wife. But for the sake of your destiny, don’t marry someone who doesn’t respect you or care about your dreams or vision for life.

 

4. Don’t let him settle for less

Everyone wants a guy who will support them, but your kind of guy also wants a kind of girl who will support him. Don’t just enter a relationship to get; it’s much better to give than to receive than to receive.

 

5. Priorities and compromise

I love the media. Although I’ve spent most of my career in print, broadcast media has long been a dream of mine. However, what has been a greater priority for me has been family and ministry. That’s one of the reasons why I haven’t pursued some broadcast opportunities; I would rather be in church every Sunday watching the hubby preach and counselling people after service than be on television at the same time. Thankfully, there is social media now and I can do videos anytime I want. Lol.

 

But the truth is that I don’t feel short changed in any way. I’ve never bothered to apply for a job that is outside of Lagos because my priorities are different.

 

So you must figure out what your most important priorities are. I’ve always known that whatever I might be doing whenever the time would come that I would have to join the hubby in full time ministry, I would do it and not feel like I was missing out on life. I knew it before I ever agreed to say yes to him.

 

Dear Supergirl, before rushing into a relationship, know yourself. That’s the most important advice I can give you. That way, you’re more likely to choose someone whose vision aligns with yours.

 

You must also be willing to compromise. I’m not saying that you can’t be a supergirl and have a fruitful family, I’m just saying that it would require that you pick your super hero feats wisely.

 

  1. Domestic abilities

This is a really hot topic, so I’m only going to state my opinion. I think every woman who desires to be a wife should have a reasonable level of personal hygiene and a basic knowledge of cooking. Who knows? You might marry a guy who is a chef and never have to cook a day in your life. You could be lucky and marry one of those guys who don’t mind cleaning all day long. You could also have a lot of money and get as many helps and cooks as you want. But if you ask for my opinion, I think it would be great if you have some  domestic abilities. I won’t say more than that.

 

Thanks for reading this article. I must confess to you that it’s actually been one of the most difficult things I’ve had to write. That’s why I would love to get your input in the comments section. If you learnt something, don’t forget to share with your friends. If you have a question, please email me here.

 

7 Comment

  1. Opy says: Reply

    Thank you Laju…
    These two articles has been helpful.
    I have a strong type A personality, say a Chol-Mel temperament.
    I have to think about some of these things and also work on some.
    Thanks for making out the time to dig deep and share.
    God bless your heart.
    Thank you. 😊

    PS: I really wish you could have made it for the female program last year at LMU.
    Maybe on another bigger platform then.
    Thank you.

    1. Laju Iren says: Reply

      Me too Ope. I sense we’ll meet an another platform soon. Thanks for your kind words.

  2. Osas Vanessa says: Reply

    Thank you, Pastor Laju. I am sharing this story with my beau, same as I have done with part 1. prior to reading the 2 posts, I never really understood why some things are the way they are, especially when it comes to being in a relationship. Now I know I’m a supergirl in my own way, in every sense of it.
    This may have been one of the most difficult things that you have had to write, but it’s worth is even more than that! I am so sure these posts will be instrumental in reviving some identities, personalities and relationships.
    God bless you ma.

    1. Laju Iren says: Reply

      Awww. Means a lot Vanessa. Please greet your beau for us o!

  3. Tolu O. says: Reply

    I can’t believe the articles were hard to right! You sound like such a Relationship/Marriage veteran. I can clearly see through them and relate with it 100%. Thank you most especially for your honesty and advice at the end to Supergirls. This goes more than a long way. I can gladly say Laju Iren is part of my journey to self-discovery! Much Love.
    #yournumberthreefan

  4. Openiola says: Reply

    Laju!!!! thanks a lot for this… I grew up in a very traditional family, so, I know very well the importance of submitting and respecting the man in the house. However, I’m a girl with BIG dreams and a feminist combined.
    I want to say I’ve learnt a lot from this article and those things that make me question my own personality has been put in perspective.
    i. I deserve a superman who will support my dreams and me, his
    ii. I will submit to him, respect and let him handle his place as the head of our family.

    What happens however, when you meet a superman, in this context, a man who’s also very ambitious? how best can it work out without bruising each other’s ego.

  5. uche says: Reply

    Beautiful, will don.May God increase you in wisdom in Jesus name. Amen

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